We’ve all seen those inspirational Facebook and Twitter posts about celebs who didn’t make it in the bigs until they were like 40 or 50 years old. They’re supposed to remind us to never give up, to keep striving for your dream, and we’re fully inspired for the 35 seconds of the video before our ADHD kicks in and we’re scrolling through Snapchat stories again. But a Professor at UNC must’ve taken those inspirational videos to heart, let’s face it he’s less likely to have ADHD than we are so it makes sense, because at 70 years of age he decides to start online dating and lo and behold he comes across a bikini model.
This horny bastard thinks he’s still got what it takes so he hits her up, they chat online – never on the phone or in person (Red Flag #1) – and of course fall madly in love within weeks and she asks him to come meet her. Reminder: he’s 70 she’s a bikini model (Red Flag #2). Where should they meet? Bolivia of course cause that’s where everyone meets up now-a-days (Red Flag #3). But alas when he gets to Bolivia, Bikini Model is like ‘Oops I’m in Brussles for an emergency modeling shoot’ (Red Flag #4) and asks him to come meet her there but not before being like ‘Oops I forgot a bag there, can you bring it to me in Brussles, a strange man will bring the bag to the airport‘ (Red Flag #5).
So Professor Dumbo gets the suitcase and has to wait in the airport for the next flight out. Finally he gets tired of waiting and is like ‘Fuck this, I’m out, I’m going back to my nice life of Paritcle Physics at the University of North Carolina‘ when all of a sudden his name comes over the loudspeaker and they want to check his bag (Red Flag #6). Security checks the bag presumably belonging to Bikini Model and boom, four pounds of cocaine. And then boom, two years of prison in Argentina and fired from his tenured position at UNC.
Professor Dumbo is out of jail now and working at Oxford and is pissed cause he got fired from UNC and apparently wants to be un-fired cause he feels he was set up. Btw, there is no way this dope wasn’t set up.
Here are the plethora of lessons in this story:
- When you’re 70 and living a college professor life not the life of a billionaire, stop trying to online date bikini models. If they’re interested in you and your saggy balls assume your getting catfished cause you’re 100% getting catfished.
- When your bikini model online gf has you flying all over the world to meet up with her and asks you to pick up a bag she forgot you’re 100% transporting something illegal in that bag cause if it wasn’t illegal she’d be able to go to Rite Aide in Brussles and buy whatever she forgot.
- If you get to three Red Flags and you’re still pushing through whatever situation you’re in then you deserve to spend two years in an Argentinian prison. At some point, especially when an international scavenger hunt starts happening, you need to start thinking a little less with your dick.
- Assume that if you get convicted of being a fucking drug mule that your firing is justified and stop trying to get your old job back, be grateful that England’s colleges apparently have lower standards for a professor’s background than American colleges.
- College professors are smart but also very stupid.
Source: The News and Observer
P.S. That dude in the pic is not Professor Dumbo, we just thought it was a funny old man pic.