A Study About Why Students Gain Weight in College Came Out and We All Already Know the Reasons…Duh

Chicago Sun Times: A 2015 study that looked at freshmen in college from 2010, 2011 and 2012 saw an average of more than six pounds of weight gain in men and more than four pounds in women over the first year of school, with the majority of the increase taking place in the first semester.

So this article came out about why students gain weight in college and the results are in….students eat too much junk and drink too much alcohol. No shit. No shit you lazy researchers trying to get your name in an article by studying something that we all know the answer to and have known the answer to since the beginning of time.189821842_e66ffc528c_b

At no point in my life have I ever wondered why students gain weight when they go to college. At no point in my college career have I ever wondered why I gained weight. I never wondered why my friends gained weight. I never wondered why people I knew from high school but wasn’t friends with gained weight. I never wondered why my brother and sister gained weight. I have literally never wondered why any college student gains weight. News flash, no one has ever wondered that so thanks for putting out an article that tells us exactly what we already know.

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Here’s what I didn’t know, women gain an average of four pounds and men gain an average of six pounds. Why in the name of God does anyone need to do a study because someone gained four pounds. Now, I should point out that if a newborn baby gained four pounds in like three days then sure let’s look into that, but, a human adult, four pounds, no, no study needed. Here’s another thing that I learned from the article, men’s minuscule weight gain was associated with a decrease in their sensitivity to taste. While the researchers are quick to suggest that this non-phenomena is likely due to the increase in salt added to dining hall meals I would like to throw another suggestion into the ring that these nerds apparently didn’t consider in their research. Perhaps the decreased sensitivity to taste has something to do with the three bottles of Jack Daniels and six gravity bong hits they made love to before participating in this incredibly boring, totally useless study. Great job researchers and article writers now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go eat some seasoned fries smothered in melted cheese which I’ll chase down with a gallon of firewater. See ya later sensitivity to taste, hello lbs!!

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